I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
