can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
