Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
