I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
