I want to have your abortion
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
