The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
