He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
