Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
