The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
