never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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