Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
