Girls should come with a carfax report
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
