she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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