It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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