I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
