I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
