My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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