Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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