well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
