I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
