meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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