you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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