i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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