When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
