i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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