I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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