His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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