my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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