Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
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How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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