I hate your face
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
