dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
