Girls should come with a carfax report
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
