I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
