I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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