so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
