Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
