Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
