Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
