I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
