I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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