Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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