There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
