I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
