Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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