Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
