I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
