I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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