just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
