I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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