when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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