i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
