Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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