you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
