don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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