I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I wear drunk well.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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